


expectation vs. reality

by lunarqueens



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Break Up, Character Death, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, I AM SORRY, One Shot, theres hardly any fluff tho not gonna lie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 17:18:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarqueens/pseuds/lunarqueens
Summary: All the lights went out, even the stars. The sky wept and wept, howling mournfully with thunder, spitting cruel bursts of lightning.It was only an hour later when a girl hundreds of miles away began to weep, too.(or; a series of moments in the life of Maya Hart, starting at the end and going backwards to the beginning.)





	expectation vs. reality

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first Rilaya fic (yay!) and uh it's literally just Pure Angst. like seriously there's only a couple happy moments and honestly writing this made me sO emotional, I love these two so much. this is really Maya-centric, and it goes from end to beginning rather than beginning to end because I just felt like that was appropriate for this fic? anyway, I hope this is enjoyable (in some sort of way) comments and kudos are much appreciated! :^)

“...just don’t think it’s going to work.” 

Riley’s voice was clipped, reserved, foggy with static across the hundreds of miles between them. Maya felt her knuckles tighten, vice-like, around the phone. She clutched it tightly for one moment, two, trying to hold herself together. Trying to breathe. 

Then all the fight went out of her in one big gust, and she relaxed her grip, her entire body slumping forward. “Yeah,” she said in a deadened tone, “Yeah, I understand.”

“Okay. Well...bye, Maya.” already, she seemed distracted. There was a murmur of what sounded like voices in the background, and someone laughed loudly, loud enough for Maya to hear it, and flinch. “I should probably go.”

Riley sounded genuinely regretful now, though, and if Maya hadn’t felt so flat she might have been grateful. But all she could muster was “Bye, Riles.” 

“I love you, okay?” she paused. “I really do, Maya, please trust me.” She was being honest, Maya knew that, but she could hardly hear over the growing buzzing in her ears. “I just, I feel like this is best for us right -”

There was a crackle of static, loud in her ear, and the call cut out. Maya didn’t move; she kept the phone in her hand, pressed to her ear, stock-still in the middle of the near-empty street. It was close to nine o’clock at night; the streetlights were glowing with chilly light and she could hear, faintly, the sound of late-night traffic several streets away. Here, however, all was quiet; Maya could only hear her own thoughts, echoing in her mind, excruciatingly clear. 

She fucking hated it. 

Nine here - that meant it was around two in the morning where Riley was, in London. What was she doing, awake at two in the morning? She used to be scandalized at the thought of a party that started at ten. Maya flinched at the memory, eyes stinging. It used to make her smile, but -

Well. 

There were a lot of things that used to make her smile.

She walked slowly, numbly, not knowing where she was trying to go. Not finding it in herself to care. Her mind was whirling with too many thoughts, most of them frantic, but it was like she was watching from a distance, floating slowly out and away from herself. Everything felt heavy, foggy, and the lights of the city blurred in her vision like lines of wet paint. 

It didn’t hurt. It wasn’t painful, and wasn’t that better, anyway? 

(It wasn’t anything. Maya had known this, though. Without Riley, what was she?)

No, nothing hurt. She wasn’t really there, after all, because this couldn't possibly be real. 

(The end of the fucking world, that’s what it was. It was so, so silent. When it began to rain, a gentle drizzle, she turned her face to the sky and shut her eyes, wondering if the sky was weeping for her, weeping only because she couldn't.)

Nothing was painful, so much that when the car struck her, screaming straight through a red light and striking her head on, tossing her body like a rag doll, a broken toy, a shattered glass, she didn’t even mind the explosion of white-hot hurt that shot through every vein in her body, all at once. The sky soared toward her, fell into her, and then it was like the galaxy was right there, close enough to touch, but still all she could see were Riley's eyes, and how damn pathetic was that?

All the lights went out, even the stars. The sky wept and wept, howling mournfully with thunder, spitting cruel bursts of lightning. 

It was only an hour later when a girl hundreds of miles away began to weep, too. 

i. _before_

Maya was tired. 

Not the regular kind of tired, although she was that too. She was tired in a way that ached deep in her bones, that made it harder and harder to pull her eyes open each morning. Her ribs ached, her heart spasmed. She spent a week at home, locked in her darkened room, bottles piling up at the foot of her bed. Her phone rang and rang, and her door reverberated with knocks, but she was too deep in sleep to hear, or even care. 

None of them were Riley. 

She woke up, finally, days later, to Lucas standing over her looking scared. Through hazy vision, she was able to make out Farkle behind him, shoving bottles into a garbage bag. 

“Maya,” said Lucas, sitting down on the edge of her bed. “Where have you been this week?”

“Where do you think, Huckleberry?” she slurred, rolling over so that she was facing away from them, though her head screamed in protest at the movement. Evidently the liquor from last night hadn't worn off yet. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re worried about you,” Lucas said, and though she heard the concern lacing his voice, something hard and nettling whispering in her mind told her not to care. “All of us. It’s been almost a week. What’s going on with you, Maya? Why won’t you just _talk_ to us?”

She laughed without humor. “What the hell do you think is going on? Use your little cowboy brain to figure it out, okay, because I _don’t_ want to talk about it.” Her vision dipped and shimmered like a mirage. It hurt like a bitch, so she shut her eyes and willed them to leave her alone.

“We know it’s about Riley.” Farkle was talking now, and she heard a symphony of clinks as he set down the garbage bag. A moment later the bed dipped as he sat down next to Lucas. “But we don’t know what’s going on with you two, because no one is telling us anything. Riley keeps insisting you two are fine.” 

Ignoring how much of an infuriatingly _Riley_ thing that was to do - of course she didn't want to admit there was a damn problem - Maya shrugged her shoulders, playing along. “That’s because we are.”

Great, now she was doing it too. _Fantastic, Maya, you dumbass!_

“You’re not!” Farkle interjected. “I haven’t heard you talk about her in months, Maya - hell, I’ve hardly heard you talk at _all!_ Obviously something is wrong, and we all know it, so can you please just tell us instead of trying to - to kill yourself or something?”

She didn’t reply. Something was beating at her ribcage, struggling to burst out and give her away, spill her secrets like blood, because his voice had been desperate and _terrified_ that time and she finally understood what she'd put them through this week, all of them. She was such an _idiot_.

“Maya.” Lucas’s hand was on her arm, so gentle she felt her eyes begin to sting. “Please.”

Just like that, everything broke. 

“There’s nothing wrong,” she said, pushing herself up, still facing away from them. “We’re fine, I’m fine, it’s just -” her voice began to shake. _You're okay. You're okay. You have to be okay_. “Nothing is wrong, really, I know that, we aren’t fighting! We haven’t fought in months, we love each other! We _do_ -” 

Her voice shattered. _Fuck_. Sobbing so hard her whole body shook, Maya turned around and fell headfirst into her friends. Lucas tucked his arm around her shoulders. Farkle hugged her waist, letting her rest her head on his chest, where she cried like she never had before. She was trembling so hard it felt like her very bones were shuddering underneath her skin. Lucas stroked her hair, not saying anything, and she was grateful. 

“We just don’t _talk_ ,” she gasped finally, her breath hitching. “That’s it, and it’s so stupid, but - I used to feel like I could - like I could _see_ her, y’know? Like I could still, I don’t know, feel her presence or something, even though we’re so far apart, and now it’s like - I don’t know, like I don’t even _know_ her! We talk but we don’t _talk_ , not like we used to, and everything is so fucking messed up and I don’t know what to _do_ , oh _God_ -” 

The sobbing started again, and she felt her friends’ arms tighten around her. She cried and cried, for herself, for Riley, for all her friends who deserved someone so much better than her to love them, because the only way she knew how to love was broken and useless, and never enough, never enough. All the breath left her lungs and then came back, ripping into her in a terrible rush, tearing her open again and again. Everything hurt.

She didn’t know how to exist without Riley. She’d given so much of herself to Riley, so many of the pieces that made her into a person, that without her she was really nothing more than shattered glass, all sharp edges. 

“Maya,” Lucas said quietly, rubbing circles on her back, “it’s okay. It will be okay.” 

“No,” the tears wouldn’t stop. “No, I don’t deserve her. I _don’t_. Everything is wrong now -”

“Don’t say that,” said Farkle firmly. “We can figure something out. You’re Riley and Maya. You’ll get through this.” 

She didn’t say anything else, just let them hold her while she clutched at her hair and cried. 

She wasn’t Riley and Maya, she was just Maya.

And she didn’t think she could handle being just Maya. If she was being honest, she didn’t really even know who that was.

* * *

“Hey, I’ve gotta go.” Maya could hear muffled voices echoing in the background. “My friends are here. But I’ll text you, okay, Peaches?” 

“Okay.” Maya tucked her hair behind her ear, ignoring the faint knot that seemed to be growing in her chest. “I love you.” 

“I love you too!” Riley sang, but her voice was distracted. A moment later there was a click as she hung up the phone. 

A chilly gust of wind rushed past her, blowing back her already-messy curls. Maya pulled her jacket tighter around her and looked up at the steadily darkening sky, the faint ghost of the streetlights just barely touching the tall buildings around her.

Most of the time she could ignore the absence, forget about the empty space beside her. Nights like this made it harder.

(They were RileyandMaya, thunder and lighting. They were forever. Weren’t they?)

(She was starting to think there was no such thing as forever. It terrified her.) 

What Maya needed was a distraction. 

So she found a party, and she gulped down the contents of at least three different bottles, and she laughed too loudly and too much and eventually, though she wasn’t sure how it happened, found herself pressed up against the wall by a girl with short, spiky hair (and eyes that were brown and strangely sweet like Riley’s), kissing her with fervor. Everything was heat and passion and shame, dripping out of her eyes and down her neck as this stranger kissed her and kissed her with a mouth that was cruel and cold.

When she left with smeared lipstick and tangled hair it was nearly three in the morning and she still wouldn't let herself break.

* * *

It was dark outside and almost just as dark in Maya’s room, the only light emitting faintly from her laptop screen. Riley’s image was on the screen, her face close to the camera, her eyes scrunched up in a smile. “Peaches, turn on the light,” she complained. “I wanna see you!” 

“It’s too far,” Maya said stubbornly. “I’m _comfy_ , Riles.” 

“Fine, fine.” her girlfriend laughed. As always, the sound made Maya’s heart flutter in what she considered to be a most ridiculous way. She smiled, even though Riley couldn’t see her. 

“You know, we really need to do this more,” Riley said after a moment, her voice more subdued. “I really miss you, you know?” 

Maya’s throat felt full. She nodded, then remembered she was basically invisible to Riley. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

“We’ll be okay, right?”

She watched Riley through the screen, with her long brown hair, her sparkling eyes, the smile that made Maya go weak at the knees. She was right there, but so far away. It hurt, being so far away. Hurt in a way she didn't know how to describe.

“Yeah,” Maya said quietly, her heart squeezing in her chest. “We’ll be okay, honey.” 

“Promise?”

“Of course.”

She was glad it was dark, then, because she didn’t want Riley to see her cry. 

* * *

Maya hated airports. 

Well. Up until this moment, she hadn’t hated airports. She hadn’t really had an opinion about them one way or another, actually. They had just sort of, you know, existed. 

Now, however, she hated them with every fiber of her being, because this airport was taking Riley away from her. 

She held tight to Riley’s hand as they stepped out of the car, as they walked through the doors and went up an escalator, all the way up to security. There, she let go and stepped back and just looked at her. Riley, with her messy curls and her rainbow sweater and headphones hanging around her neck. Her eyes were round and frightened, her mouth wobbling the way it always did before she began to cry. 

(Honestly, the only reason Maya wasn’t crying was because she knew if she started to cry than Riley would start to cry and wouldn't be able to stop, and she wanted to be strong for her girl.)

Taking a step forward, she gently cupped Riley’s face with her hands and kissed her, slowly and sweetly. She felt Riley’s hands drop to her waist, pulling her closer, and the thought struck her that it could be months before she got to feel that again. 

Finally she pulled away and simply pulled Riley into her, hugging her as tightly as she could. Riley’s head dropped onto her shoulder and she held Maya as if the world were about to end. 

After a few minutes, Cory spoke up, his voice gentle. “Riley, honey, we’ve gotta go.” 

“Right.” she looked up, eyes swimming with tears. “Yeah.” Stepping away from Maya, whose hands dropped awkwardly to dangle at her sides. “I’ll - I’ll see you soon Peaches, right?” 

Maya smiled wanly. “Of course, honey. I’m gonna visit you as soon as I can, okay?”

“Me too,” Riley whispered. 

Topanga held out her arms to Maya. “Come here, you.” 

Maya did. Moments later, Cory joined the hug, then Riley, then Auggie, until they were all engulfed in a big Maya-sandwich. Now she couldn’t help it, and the tears began to silently drip down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried hard not to think. 

“We love you, Maya,” Auggie said solemnly. “Especially Riley.” At this, Riley let out a warbled laugh. 

“I know,” Maya said, forcing a laugh of her own. “I love you guys too, Auggie-Doggie.” 

The hug dispersed, and Topanga tucked a strand of Maya’s hair behind her ear, looking at her fondly. “It will be okay, Maya. We’ll see you soon. Riley will go crazy otherwise.” 

Riley nodded tearfully, and seized Maya in another hug, but it lasted far too quickly and before she knew it she was kissing her again, and she could taste salt on her lips, and then Riley let go and she was walking away, waving and waving, still crying, and she waved to Maya until she was gone, around the corner, and now Maya really let herself start to sob. 

So, yeah. She hated airports a whole damn lot. 

* * * 

“I’ve decided to take the job.”

Maya’s entire chest spasmed. She clutched Riley’s hand so hard she worried she may have broken it. But Riley was squeezing back just as hard, and when Maya looked at her she saw the empty look on her face and felt her heart break a little bit. 

“That’s great, Topanga,” Cory said after a moment of silence. Maya could sense the forced cheeriness of his tone, felt the dread-filled stiffness of the air, and just like that, she had to get out. She looked wildly toward the door of the cafe. 

Auggie had started to cry. Maya lurched forward, jerking her hand out of Riley’s, and staggered towards the door, mumbling “Sorry, I just need to…” 

The door opened as she barreled into it and she was hit with a gust of chilly wind, blowing her hair back and forcing the tears out of her eyes and down her cheeks. Everything in her was collapsing all at once. Maya felt a numb sense of relief that she had been able to get out before Riley saw her like this, curled in on herself and crying like a wounded animal, all her sharp edges melted away. Vulnerable. She couldn’t be vulnerable in front of Riley, not now. She had to be strong. She had to be okay. 

It had started to rain, a cold trickle that was almost snow, but not quite. Sitting huddled on the steps, clutching her arms, Maya began to shake violently. This was too much. Too much. 

She didn’t know how to exist as one half of a whole. How could she?

There was a creaking sound, and out of the corner of her eye she saw the door open. Riley stepped outside, her face glittering with tears, her mouth small and worried. When she saw Maya she rushed over, arms open. 

“Peaches,” she said softly. 

Maya’s ribs split open. Just like that, she was bleeding, vulnerable, not okay in the slightest. 

* * *

Topanga’s face was drawn, tight with worry as she looked around at all of them. Maya held on to her girlfriend’s hand as if it was the only thing keeping her anchored to the earth, as if it were her gravity. 

(Maybe it was.) 

“The job is in London,” she said quietly, suddenly unable to meet anyone’s gaze. “We would have to move to London.” 

Riley gasped. Maya didn’t move, didn’t breathe. Statuesque, all she could do was blink. 

“Tell her we can’t!” Auggie said tearfully, tugging at his father’s arm. “Tell her we can’t go!” 

Cory looked down at him. “It’s up to your mom, Aug,” he said gently. His voice was strained. 

All Maya could do was look at Topanga, hoping she would look back and see the desperation in Maya’s eyes. Hoping she would see that if she did this, if Riley was taken away, it would be the end of the world for Maya. The end of everything. 

She’d rather have the sun go out than lose Riley. 

Topanga wouldn’t look and Riley was crying, clutching Maya’s arm, her entire body shuddering as she sobbed.

And still, all Maya could do was look, silently begging for mercy, for a bargain, for anything. For a miracle. A fucking _miracle_. 

She would have done anything if it meant Riley could stay. 

(In the end, it probably didn’t matter.)

ii. _before_

The highway had never been this long and she had never felt this happy. 

The sun was pouring through the windows like water, drenching her, drenching all of them in warm gold and amber. Riley’s eyes were alight, brighter than Maya had ever seen them, full of the sea and the sun and the music that filled the air. Lucas and Zay were in the back, singing along at the top of their lungs with Farkle while Smackle laughed and laughed and pointed her camera at the three of them, taking picture after picture. The ocean was rushing along beside them in a blur of deep green and blue and glittering gold. 

They were beautiful, fucking beautiful. 

Maya had her sketchbook in her lap and was drawing, drawing faster than she had in months, her hand rushing to capture Lucas’s hands and Zay’s shoulders and Farkle’s goofy grin, Smackle’s eyes. Josh in the driver’s seat, laughing and laughing. And Riley, always Riley. Her hair streaming in the wind and her eyes full of the sky and her smile, again and again, lighting up the page and the car and the whole world. 

It was summer and they were driving down the coast. Josh, being the self-proclaimed “cool uncle”, had wholeheartedly agreed to take them. None of them were really sure where they were going; they’d just gotten in the car that morning, bags packed, and taken off. But it didn’t matter. They were together, they were singing as the radio blasted an old song, and Maya felt so full of love that she might burst. She was surrounded by miracles. Her friends, these people, they were _miracles_.

She was so, so lucky.

And Riley, her hands waving in the air as she danced and sang, her voice bubbling with laughter. She leaned into Maya's shoulder, radiating joy, and Maya couldn’t help it - she leaned over and kissed her, tasting summer on her skin, and when Riley smiled against her mouth she felt her heart swell with something that was too much for her to comprehend. 

“What was that for?” Riley said, giggling, when she pulled away.

“I love you,” Maya told her. It was so much more than that, so much more, but she didn’t know how to put it into words. Maybe she couldn’t. 

“I love you too,” Riley said softly, her voice suddenly serious. “Always, okay?” 

Maya knew it was true, somewhere deep in her bones. 

“Always, Riles.”


End file.
